In the painful years of my life, hyper-vigilance was a constant. I so wanted to “fit in”, but it was too scary to try. The image I projected was devoted to being a chameleon, one of nature’s most marvelous creatures. It was safer that way, and because it was necessary to protect myself every moment of my life, the image of me constantly changed to keep the prey away. I could then avoid being hurt, rejected, abandoned, have anger and hands flung at me, and so much more.
When all you can reflect back to the world is an image engineered to fool “the enemy”, the “anyone or even everyone people”, the true self of you cannot develop. That has to be kept stored away and hidden from everyone. You have a paper-thin image to project which could be torn and ripped through at any moment, therefore, for survival, the projection must be maintained at all costs. Even at the cost of the true self developing.
It is draining to keep your heart locked away. The path is still rocky sometimes and the my survival chords and memories still occasionally sing out, but I do my best not to run away from them anymore. I look at them, love them, and set them free.
Enjoy the day.