July 27, 2005 – Journal Entry

So here I am San, sitting in the grass by your memorial.  This is the day you were admitted to hospice a year ago – the day before you died.  Today, I have brought you a white rose with a note for you to read from wherever you are. I hope you know I’m here – I sense you all around me either way.  The mallards are swimming around the pond and one female appears to have only one baby.  Their reflection in the water is so serene.  Do they sense pain with the loss of a chick I wonder?  My tears keep falling . . . I wish we had more time . . . I couldn’t stop those grains of sand in the hourglass of your life.

Am so glad you are now with our sister Vic, but damn, I want you both here with me, now.  I want justice and compassion from the Universal Planner. How could Vic die in February, you die in July?  How can that be fair in any way, shape or form. There are still moments when I feel so very alone – like a lighthouse would feel if it lost its light.

That one mallard waddled up with its chick and they are standing in the grass about 5 feet away – so very cute!  You and I loved to fish and watch the waterfowl and we always got more fish then the guys did.  The little chick suddenly just went out into the water away from her mom and is slowly swimming around “peeping”.

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Just like me – swimming around all alone.

The chick is trying to find its mom and I’m still trying to find my sisters.

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